This morning, taking the kids to school, Shout to the Lord was playing on the radio. I will admit, a lot of the time when a slow paced song comes on the radio, I change it to something a little heavier : ) but today, I din't. I don't know if I blogged about this before, but oh well. It's a story I love to tell.
My father passed away in November of '05. The more time that passes, the more I miss him. We had a very rocky relationship. I had huge steel walls set up around my heart which prevented me from letting my guard down. I learned to do that because when I did let it down, I was hurt. His alcoholism had many terrible effects on me and everyone with who he had relationships.
I really see God's work in my life, especially because He drew me to him at a time when life was really hard, dealing with Dad. God knew that for me to forgive dad, I needed Him first. End of story. Or beginning??? I was still a very immature Christian when Dad passed away, and I never made it to give him the love and compassion and approval that he so desperately desired. It wasn't till the Christmas that followed his death that I came to true forgiveness.
Christmas Eve happened to fall on a Sunday that year. I was pretty emotional going in, a combination of hormones and grief (not good). We had a big day ahead of us, Danny's family has a very large celebration on Christmas Eve, steeped in tradition and family. I was extra tired that morning, too. Anyways, to make a long story short, during the music portion of the service, the song Shout to the Lord came along. I was once told to envision our children when we came to the part that goes...I sing for joy at the work of your hands...and I was doing just that - thinking of my babies - when a beautiful voice, loud and quiet at the same time, spoke directly into my heart, "Your father was the work of my hands, too, Melanie." I was stunned and joyful, all at once. I couldn't accurately express the range of emotions that swept over me at the time, but I can tell you that relief and love and forgiveness came in to replace the regret, anger, unforgiveness, and sadness in me.
That year, I received the best gift of all, God spoke directly to my heart and enabled me to forgive Dad, once and for all. From that point forward, I have been able to remember the good things and love him like he needed to be loved. I hope he knows that.
4 comments:
wow... powerful entry. i appreciate your vulnerability in sharing it... wow...
Thanks for sharing Mel. That's the thing i've been unable to do with my father, fully forgive. That takes a huge heart to do that. Maybe one day we can talk about how you did it.
This post reminds me of my dad's relationship with my grandpa. Thanks for showing that forgiveness can be done:)
That was a beautiful entry. I haven't spoken to my father in almost seven years, and I thought it was lovely that you have come to terms with your father. Maybe someday I will come to peace as you have...
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